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Funeral etiquette

Almost nobody feels confident at a funeral, and almost nobody needs to. Turning up matters more than doing it perfectly. Here is what people actually expect, what to wear, what to say and what to send, including the customs that differ sharply between communities.

Written by Raphael Hertz, licensed life insurance agentUpdated 1 September 2026Editorial standards

Whether to go at all

The general rule is that if you would have been welcome in the person’s home, you are welcome at the funeral. Colleagues, neighbours, old friends, the people who cut their hair or fixed their car for twenty years. Families are almost never troubled by somebody attending. They are often hurt by an absence.

Read the notice carefully, because it tells you what is public and what is not. A private service, a private interment or a family only committal means exactly that, and the right response is a card and an offer rather than an appearance. If a service is public but the graveside is private, attend the first and leave after it.

If you cannot attend, say so directly to somebody in the family and give a reason only if there is one worth giving. A note that arrives is worth more than an explanation of why you were not there.

What to wear

Dark, plain and covered is the default and it has never let anybody down. Black, charcoal, navy or dark grey. A suit, a jacket, a dress or smart trousers with a collared shirt. Shoes you can stand in on grass. Nothing that will be looked at twice.

Read the notice for an instruction, because families increasingly give one. A request for bright colours, a sports team shirt or no ties at all is a genuine request and should be followed rather than politely ignored. A request that mourners wear white is common in several traditions and is not a novelty.

Setting	What works
Funeral home visitation	Dark business dress. Slightly less formal than the service itself is acceptable
Church, synagogue or mosque service	Conservative and covered. Shoulders and knees covered for women, a head covering where the tradition expects one
Graveside only	The same, with practical shoes and a coat. Graveside services run in whatever weather arrives
Memorial service weeks later	Smart, dark or muted. These are often deliberately less formal, so follow the notice
Celebration of life	Whatever the family asked for. If they asked for colour, wear colour
Military honours at the graveside	As above. Serving members may attend in uniform. Veterans may wear a cap or association insignia

Children are welcome at most funerals. Dress them as you would for a school assembly, sit near an exit, and take them out if they need to move rather than staying and worrying about it.

Visitation and viewing conventions

A visitation, sometimes called a wake or calling hours, is a come and go event held over a set period. Arrive at any point inside it. Fifteen to thirty minutes is a completely normal length of stay, and staying longer is for close family and old friends.

Sign the register book with your full name and, if the family may not place you, a few words of how you knew the person. That book is read carefully afterwards, often months afterwards, and it is how families work out who to thank.

If the casket is open, approaching it is optional. Nobody is watching to see whether you do. People who do approach usually stand for a moment, sometimes touch the casket rail, sometimes say a private word or a prayer, and then step away. Touching the body is not expected, and it is also not shocking in the traditions where it is normal.

Speak to the closest family member if you can reach them without queueing at length. Then let somebody else have them. Long conversations belong at the reception.

What to say, and what to avoid saying

Short is better than clever. I am so sorry. He was very good to me. I will miss her. Say the person’s name out loud, because the bereaved are often braced for a day in which nobody does.

If you have a specific memory, that is the most valuable thing you can offer, and one sentence of it is enough. She taught me to drive and never once raised her voice. He gave me my first job. Families remember those years later.

What lands badly is anything that explains the death or reframes it as a positive. Comments about it being for the best, about a better place, about how they are no longer suffering, or about how you know exactly how they feel. Questions about the cause of death, the will, the house or the insurance belong nowhere near a funeral. And an open ended offer to help is pleasant but useless. Offer a specific thing instead, on a specific day.

During the service and at the graveside

Arrive ten minutes early and sit toward the back, leaving the front rows for family. Silence your phone before you get out of the car rather than in the doorway. Do not photograph the service, the casket or the family unless somebody in the family has asked you to, and do not post anything about the death before the family has, because there is always somebody who has not been told yet.

Follow the room for standing, sitting and responses in a tradition that is not yours, and take part only in what you are comfortable with. Nobody expects a guest to recite a prayer they do not know. Communion, in a Christian service, is generally for those of that faith, and staying seated is entirely correct.

At the graveside, stand where you are directed and stay quiet. Where military funeral honours are being rendered, stand still through the folding of the flag, the presentation and Taps. It lasts a couple of minutes. In several traditions mourners are invited to place earth or a flower into the grave, and taking part is welcomed if you are offered it.

The reception afterwards, the repast, is part of the funeral and not an optional extra. Go if you are invited. It is where the family stops performing and starts talking, and it is the most useful hour of the day for them.

Flowers, donations and food

Read the notice first, because it usually says. Flowers commonly run $150 to $700 for an arrangement sent to a funeral home, and standing sprays cost more than that. Send them to the funeral home for the visitation, or to the family home afterwards, and always include a card with your full name.

Where the notice says in lieu of flowers, that is an instruction and not a modest suggestion. Give to the named charity, and if you can, give in a way that tells the charity to notify the family of the gift without naming the amount. Most charities have a tribute option that does exactly this.

Food is the most useful gift in the first fortnight and the most poorly coordinated. Send something that keeps, in a container that does not need returning, labelled with what it is and the date. Breakfast items and paper goods are chronically under supplied while the casserole shelf overflows. Better still, take a job. Collect somebody from the airport, walk the dog, mow the lawn, sit in the house during the funeral so it is not empty, or answer the phone for a day.

A sympathy card is never wrong and never too late. If you missed the funeral entirely, send one at six weeks, when the callers have stopped and the house has gone quiet.

Condolence money and where it is customary

In mainstream American practice, giving cash to the bereaved family is not the custom. The equivalent gesture is a donation to the charity named in the notice, or a contribution to a family fundraising page where one has been set up. Both are entirely acceptable and neither needs a covering explanation.

In a great many communities within the United States, however, a cash gift is not merely acceptable, it is the expected form of condolence and it carries specific conventions about the envelope, the amount and how it is handed over. Funerals are expensive and these customs exist in large part because the community has always shouldered the cost together.

If you are attending a funeral in a tradition that is not your own and you are unsure, ask one person from that community what is usual. It is a respectful question and it is never taken badly. Guessing is what causes offence.

Customs by tradition

The following are general conventions rather than rules, and practice varies widely between families, countries of origin and levels of observance. Treat them as a starting point for asking rather than as instructions.

Tradition	Usual timing	What is welcome
Jewish	Burial usually within a day or two, followed by shiva at the family home	Flowers are generally not sent. A charitable donation in the person’s memory is the customary gesture, along with food brought to the shiva house. Visitors follow the family’s lead on conversation
Catholic	A vigil or rosary, then a funeral Mass, then interment	Flowers are customary. Mass cards, arranged through a parish, are a traditional and well received gift
Protestant	Visitation, then a service, then interment or committal	Flowers or the donation named in the notice. Food afterwards
Muslim	Burial as soon as possible, often within a day. Condolence visits over the following days	Simplicity is the principle. Flowers are not customary in many communities. Food for the family and practical help are welcome, as are quiet visits
Hindu	Cremation soon after death, with rites continuing over the following days	White or pale clothing rather than black. Fruit or sweets rather than flowers in some families. Follow the family on removing shoes and on where to sit
Buddhist	Varies widely by country of origin and school	Modest clothing, often white in East Asian traditions. Incense may be offered. Donations to a temple or a charity are common
Chinese and Vietnamese	A wake over one or more evenings, then the funeral	Cash in a white envelope, presented on arrival and recorded by the family. Avoid red, which is the colour of celebration. White or muted clothing
Korean	Visitation at a funeral hall over several days	Cash in a white envelope with your name written on it, given at the reception desk. Dark clothing
Filipino	An extended wake, sometimes over several nights, then the funeral	A cash contribution toward costs is customary and openly collected. Food and company through the nights of the wake
Black American church tradition	Often a week or more after the death, with a wake, a homegoing service and a repast	Formal dress. Flowers, food and a card. Cash gifts to the family are common in many congregations
West African communities	Frequently weeks or months later, to allow relatives to travel	Organised contributions toward costs, often collected by an association. Specific cloth or colours may be requested

The weeks afterwards, which is the part that counts

Attendance at the funeral is the easy half. The bereaved describe the third and fourth weeks as the hardest, because that is when the casseroles stop, the calls thin out and everybody else has gone back to normal. Put a reminder in your phone for a month out and another for the first anniversary, and use both.

Do not expect a thank you note, and do not be surprised if one arrives six months late. Writing them is a real burden on somebody who is exhausted, and the family that did not send one is not ungrateful.

If you are the one arranging the funeral rather than attending it, the practical order of events is in what to do when someone dies and the planning checklist. If you are writing the notice that tells people what to wear and where to send donations, writing an obituary covers what to put in it.

If you have been asked to help pay

Contributions from friends and community are how a great many funerals actually get paid for, which says something about the size of the bill. A small policy written for funeral costs is what stops the collection being necessary in the first place.

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Common questions

What should you wear to a funeral?

Dark, plain and covered. Black, charcoal, navy or dark grey, in a suit, a jacket, a dress or smart trousers with a collared shirt, and shoes you can stand on grass in. Read the notice first, because families increasingly ask for bright colours, a team shirt or no ties, and a request like that should be followed rather than politely ignored.

How long should you stay at a visitation?

Fifteen to thirty minutes is entirely normal. A visitation is a come and go event held over a set period, so arrive at any point within it, sign the register book, speak briefly to the closest family member you can reach, and then let somebody else have them. Longer stays are for close family and old friends.

What do you say to someone whose family member has died?

Something short. I am so sorry. He was very good to me. I will miss her. Say the person’s name out loud, because the bereaved are often braced for a day in which nobody does. If you have one specific memory, offer that in a single sentence. Avoid anything that explains the death or reframes it as a positive.

Should you send flowers or make a donation?

Read the notice. Where it names a charity and says in lieu of flowers, that is an instruction rather than a suggestion, and most charities have a tribute option that notifies the family of the gift without naming the amount. Where nothing is specified, flowers sent to the funeral home for the visitation are conventional in most Christian traditions, and generally not sent in Jewish or many Muslim families.

Is it appropriate to give money to the family?

In mainstream American practice, no. The equivalent gesture is a donation to the named charity or a contribution to a family fundraising page. In many communities within the United States, including Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, Filipino, West African and many Black American church settings, a cash gift is the expected form of condolence with its own conventions about the envelope and how it is handed over. If you are unsure, ask one person from that community.

Do you have to look at the body at an open casket funeral?

No. Approaching the casket is entirely optional and nobody is monitoring who does. People who do approach usually stand for a moment, sometimes touch the casket rail, sometimes say a private word, and then step away. Staying in your seat is completely acceptable.

Can you take photographs at a funeral?

Not unless somebody in the family has asked you to. Photographing the service, the casket or the family is intrusive, and posting about the death before the family has is worse, because there is almost always somebody who has not yet been told. Silence your phone before you leave the car.

Should you bring children to a funeral?

Children are welcome at most funerals. Dress them as you would for a school assembly, explain beforehand in plain words what will happen, sit near an exit and take them out if they need to move. A child old enough to ask questions about the death is usually old enough to attend if they want to.