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Memorial service
A memorial service is a service held without the body present. That single difference is what separates it from a funeral, and it is also why it costs considerably less and can be held whenever the family is ready.
Funeral, memorial service, celebration of life
| Type | Body present | When | Tone |
|---|---|---|---|
| Funeral | Yes, in a casket | Usually within a week | Formal, often religious |
| Memorial service | No, sometimes ashes present | Any time, weeks or months later | Formal or informal, family decides |
| Celebration of life | No | Any time | Deliberately informal and upbeat |
| Graveside service | Yes, at the grave | At burial | Short, often the whole service |
In practice the words blur. Celebration of life is a memorial service that has decided in advance not to be sombre. The only distinction that changes the bill is whether the body is present, because that is what requires embalming, a casket, refrigeration and timing.
Why it costs less
A funeral with the body present carries the funeral home’s basic services fee, the casket, embalming or refrigeration, staff and facilities for a viewing, and transport. A memorial service carries none of those. Families frequently hold one in a church hall, a garden, a home or a restaurant at little or no venue cost.
The common pattern is a direct cremation, averaging $2,202, and a memorial service held whenever the family can gather. Against $8,300 for a conventional funeral before the cemetery is counted, that is the single largest saving available to anyone arranging a funeral.
How direct cremation works · What each line on a funeral bill costs
What to wear
Unless the family has said otherwise, dress as you would for a funeral: dark or muted colours, nothing you would wear to a party. Black is not required and has not been for decades in most of the country.
If the invitation says celebration of life, that is usually a signal to dress brighter, and quite often the family will ask for a specific colour the person loved. Follow that instruction literally, because it matters to them. If you are unsure, ask whoever invited you rather than guessing. Nobody has ever been offended by the question.
What a service usually contains
- A welcome from a celebrant, clergy member or family member
- A eulogy, sometimes several, kept to a few minutes each
- Readings, scriptural or secular, chosen by the family
- Music, live or recorded, usually two or three pieces
- An open floor for anyone who wants to speak, which is where the memorable moments almost always come from
- A photo display or slideshow, and increasingly a video
- Refreshments afterwards, which is when people actually talk to each other
A printed programme is a nice thing to have and costs very little. Any word processor will produce one, and free templates are widely available online.
Choosing the music
There is no correct list. The pieces that land are the ones the person actually liked, not the ones considered appropriate. Families who choose from a list of traditional funeral songs usually end up with a service that could have been for anybody.
A workable structure is three pieces: something on entry while people are seating, something reflective in the middle, and something on the way out that lifts the room. If the venue has no sound system, confirm that before choosing anything, because a phone on a table does not carry.
Practical points people forget
- Ask someone to time it. Two hours is long. An hour is usually right.
- Nominate a speaker order in advance, and tell each person how long they have.
- Have a backup for the technology. Slideshows fail at exactly the wrong moment.
- Decide who takes the ashes home if they are present. It is an awkward conversation to have at the end.
- Record it if anyone cannot attend. A phone on a stand is enough.
The service is the cheap part
The bill that surprises families is the disposition, not the gathering. Work out what a burial or cremation actually costs in your state, with the cemetery charges separated from the funeral home charges, in about ten seconds.
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Common questions
What is a memorial service?
A service held to remember someone when the body is not present. It can be held any time after the death, weeks or months later, and it can be as formal or as informal as the family wants.
What is the difference between a memorial service and a funeral?
A funeral has the body present, usually in a casket, and happens within days. A memorial service does not, and can be held whenever the family is ready. That difference removes the casket, the embalming and much of the funeral home fee, which is why it costs far less.
What is the difference between a celebration of life and a memorial service?
Almost nothing structurally. A celebration of life is a memorial service that has decided in advance to be upbeat rather than sombre. Both are held without the body present and both can be held at any time.
What do you wear to a memorial service?
Dark or muted colours unless the family has said otherwise. Black is not required. If the invitation calls it a celebration of life, dress brighter, and if it asks for a specific colour, wear that colour.
How long should a memorial service be?
About an hour works for most. Two hours is long, and the goodwill in a room drains faster than families expect. Give each speaker a time and have someone keep to it.
Can you have a memorial service months after a death?
Yes, and many families do. With a direct cremation there is no time pressure at all, which lets people travel and lets the family plan rather than arrange something in three days while grieving.
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